WHO AM I, REALLY?

INTRODUCTION

Identity has been one of the most important aspects of my life, the problem is that I have been having a challenge finding an identity. I have worn many hats in my short life in this place called earth. Blessed to achieve things that most if not some of my peers most wish they had achieved by 24. Some of the hats I have been privileged to adorn are, I am a fine Artist, Singer-Songwriter where I write music for artistes for purchase, I have been a professional photographer where I've worked with some big brands in Kenya, A freelance graphic designer, I was named C.E.O of a Cybersecurity company I had co-founded with three partners back in 2018 where I doubled as a brand manager and CyberSec trainer, A brand manager/consultant for three companies amongst them, a customer care consultancy that operated in the East Africa region. Currently, I founded a Mental Health Initiative which has a magazine. The initiative is called the Stronger Project and the Stronger Magazine...my baby... and got selected by the UK based Mental Health Organization as part of an intercontinental team of mental health 

Champions in Africa. Clearly, I have had a lot in my hands and it is a blessing and a curse because dealing with expectations and failure is not an option. With that picture painted clearly in your mind, let's take a trip down memory lane. Shall we?

* METAMORPHOSIS *

Religion offers ultimate answers and perspective about the larger issues in life. Although not extensive, existing research suggests that religion is associated with identity development. Religiosity has been demonstrated to predict commitment and purposefulness in identity (Tzuriel, 1984).

It was 2013, I had just transferred from my third secondary school. Reason for transfer, I was self-harming and it was dimmed as a demonic manifestation and they feared that I would recruit my fellow students into a satanic, Goat head worshipping cult. (looking back at it, I realize how hilarious this level of ignorance is ). As we all know to be in a new school, a public day school to be exact and you just came from another day school but previously from a provincial boys' high school can be pretty demeaning. You're clouded with embarrassment, denial and crushed self-esteem and this is another reset button to prove everyone that you still got it and you're still "The Guy". 

The upside of this situation was the fact that the school was full of familiar faces, people that I went to the same primary school, not the same class but school. Some were homeboys and this sense of familiarity was comforting, I settled in pretty fast but kept my Mental Health issues on the low. I hid my cuts pretty well and whenever I had outbursts I'd cover them up and I maintained my alter ego, "Brian The Comedian". Being the funny guy made it easy for me to hide what I was struggling with and making friends was surprisingly easy especially for a not so social individual I was. My appearance attracted a particular group of people, Muslim girls and this automatically made me become friends with other Muslims in school. Overall thoughts about Muslim brothers and sisters in the sense of being in a family united by one thing, devotion to religion. I'm here a young man brought up in a Christian family, angry at God for letting me go through hell and not letting me die when I wanted to take my own life. He simply was a God who didn't care about me and my identity at this point was so unstable. I had multiple body and facial piercings by the age of 17 all in an effort to be different from everyone else and that was a crisis that also fed the depression I was dealing with for several years now.

One of the guys by the name Maleek (Not his real name) was like, "Bro, you know you would easily pass as a Muslim Brother?". I was like, "Why would you say that?"

"You would make a good Muslim, you have this demeanour that would bring so many people into Islam...you're so principled and disciplined".

"Well, my mum is a teacher and my dad is a preacher. I was raised in the right way. Discipline was something that got installed in me since I was a child but I am not perfect. I am flawed and not even God can heal these scars I have"

"You need peace...."

Peace, that's right! That's exactly what I need. Two weeks later I was reading Islamic literature and slowly getting into the newfound religion. I met Maleek and I told him, "I think I am ready to take on my new identity as a Muslim, I need to experience the peace and harmony with God". His eyes glowed with joy and he didn't waste any time, he ran to his  Muslim brothers and told them the good news. After two years of bullying, rejection and affliction, I felt accepted, and this sealed my life-changing decision. It was time for my conversion, to me this was a metamorphosis.  (Conversion to Islam is the process whereby a non-Muslim takes on a new religious identity, adopts new beliefs and practices, learns to live as a Muslim and gradually becomes accepted as one by others.)

One Thursday evening after classes, I was shaking with nervousness because it was my big day. After days of looking up names, I chose Fazul Yahya. Fazul is a name associated with the extravagance of blessings, while Yahya meant God Is Gracious and is of Arabic origin. I was ready to set off a new journey but was I really ready for this? My mum and dad would flip out and maybe cast me out...wait do Muslims get baptized? I was totally walking into uncharted territory. As we approached the compound of the pearly white of the Masjid (Mosque), The static from the horn speakers were succeeded by a glorious sound of  The adhan that echoed into the town, 

"ALLAHU AKBAR!!! ALLAHU AKBAR! ALLAHU AKBAR!! ALLAHU AKBAR!! MASHHAD ANNA LA ILA ILL ALLAH!!!..". Maleek put his hand on my left shoulder and with a reassuring voice and smile on his face, he said to me, "Brother, Before we go in we must perform Wudhu ".

*TO BE CONTINUED*

References;

Wudhu -  is the ritual washing performed by Muslims before prayer. 

Masjid - Mosque

The Adhan

- is the Islamic call to prayer, recited by the muezzin at prescribed times of the day.