THE DARK NIGHT (FINAL CHAPTER)

The void within me was something I desperately needed to fill up and realizing this, I wasn't sure if the relationship I was in was real or just another thing to fill me up. Am I using her thinking that I love her? This kind of dilemmas nagged me resulting in sleepless nights and at times passing out on tears. It was emotionally draining, the guilt of knowing that I was using her as a void filler was killing me especially when I learned that she was with child.

My left arm was covered with fresh cuts to the wrist and forearm, my ashtray full of cigarette butts, an empty bottle of cola on my bed and a blood-stained surgical blade in my hand. I couldn't remember what had happened earlier that day but my blood-stained bedsheets told a tale of pain and self-loathing. I put the blade down and forced myself to sleep.

 *END THIS, NOW*

My mind, body and soul felt exhausted and all I wanted is to free myself of this burden that I couldn't bear. It was a boulder against the back of an ant, crushing the life out of me and killing me. Every day I woke up felt like someone reset the day on repeat. A twilight zone, worse than a nightmare. Nothing felt alive, nothing had colour, time felt like an illusion.

"I need to break out of this cycle".  I decided to try cleaning myself up, It was a struggle to get out of bed and get myself to have a shower. I wanted to but it was just a very difficult task for me and when I got to the bathroom, it took me less than four minutes to shower and I was out but it made all the difference. It triggered me into cleaning everything, literally everything. I did my dishes, laundry cleaned the house, walls and everything...windows even my kerosene stove also ironed every clean clothes I had...Satisfying. I jumped into fresh clothes and looked into my account and saw that I had some good amount of money to spend and off I went to the cafe for brunch. Sitting alone at my usual spot, where I would observe people from without being noticed while sipping on my cup of tea with my favourite thing, coconut buns. The question that ran through my mind was, "Why can't I just be like them, normal...happy but I don't think they're as conscious as I am...are they?". 

"She looks happy but she seems out of place, there's something about her eyes, She is not happy. she lost something, no one died Brian, you don't have to be dark. I think the other ladies brought her here to cheer her up, love is such a b****" 

"Hello sir, expensive suit, cheap shoes unkempt bore with some growth going on...hmmm.. missed your barber's appointment but you can afford a Two Hundred Fifty Shillings cup of coffee...What are you trying to keep up with?, Wait, none of these people are perfect, they're all running from something, all afraid... we are all escaping, they're not perfect".

The excitement just boiled up in me, I couldn't hold it in. I felt overwhelmingly happy, so happy I ordered another cup of tea and a full meal and I sat there smiling at my phone, laughing at memes and watching people. "There's no void", I thought to myself. 

The music playing in the cafe started sounding off As if slowing down into a reverberation and I started feeling light-headed almost like a high. I stood up to wash my face in the washrooms. Staring in the mirror, I couldn't make out my face. It was fogged out, it was just a big blur resting on my shoulders but when I felt my face it was there but I can't make it out in the mirror. "No, this is not happening again".

I quickly glanced at my watch and it wasn't moving and the numbers on the dial were jumbled up. "It has been happening all this time".  

My heart was beating so hard I could feel it throbbing in my throat, I was going into a panic and my instinct was to run out but I couldn't move my legs, I was stuck. My feet were sunk in the tiled floor "How is this possible!"

"Let me OUT!", I screamed. My eyes opened and I was breathing so hard, my body covered in sweat and feeling out of touch with myself, I wasn't sure if this was real. My right hand was clutching on to something and I opened it to find a blood-stained blade and my left arm was covered with fresh cuts to the wrist and forearm, my ashtray full of cigarette butts, an empty bottle of cola on my bed. None of what I saw was real, it wasn't just a bad dream. It was more of a premonition. 

Premonitions, or extra sensory perceptions, are also interpreted as instincts or gut feeling –– a vague feeling of disquiet, uneasiness or a strong sense that 'something will happen'. These can even take the form of hallucinations –– which give an indication of what is in store for the future.