THE DARK NIGHT (PART 2)

*THE PHONECALL*

Disoriented and confused by last night's incident that was seemingly paranormal, I walked through a rough dirt road within my neighbourhood like I always do when I want to take in some air and process things and relax, only this time I was far from being relaxed I was anxiously waiting for a phone call from my psychologist to give me some feedback that would help me make sense of everything that was happening to me because I was

convinced that I was indeed losing my mind. 

Moments later the music that was playing in my earphones stopped abruptly as my phone vibrated in my right-hand jeans pocket. I quickly pulled out my phone with my fingers crossed that it would be my Psychologist calling. On pulling it out I looked at my screen and it read "(Name withheld) Doc", I quickly swiped my screen to answer the long-awaited phone call.

"Hello,..."

"Hi Brian, how are you holding up today?"

"Honestly, I am feeling so confused about last night Doc, I really don't know what to make out of all that happened."

"Brian, take a deep breath, you sound so anxious. Take a deep breath through your nose and let it out through your mouth, I'll need you to do this with me, are you okay if we do this?"

"Yes"...

"Good, okay let's go... deep breaths alright?.."

After doing the last bit of this relaxation exercise, I actually felt lighter and I was ready to talk.

"So Brian, now that you're relaxed, I need to know if you still adhere to your drug description".

Wow! she had me good and I hate lying not mentioning that I suck at lying.

"Ummm, I don't. I stopped taking my meds because I felt that they slow me down a lot. You know how my job is like, it's demanding especially with design and everything else I do. It needs me to be fast and be sharp and I can't achieve that when I'm on meds"

"Brian, You need to go back to your meds, what happened yesterday was some kind of hallucination just like when you told me you'd feel and experience things as if you're watching yourself, remember?"

"Actually, it happened again. I was supposed to cross the road but I saw myself crossing and getting hit by a trailer truck and then when I came to I realized that I was still by the side of the road...it's like I had blacked out but I was still awake but watching everything happen from where I stood".

"You need to get back on your meds, Brian. Do you still feel suicidal?"

"Yes."

"Have you been cutting yourself lately?".

"Yes, I have.. the same week (breaking down) I really don't know what's happening with me and I don't think I am Bipolar. This feels and sounds different from what others with bipolar experience, I think I want to redo a diagnosis".

"What makes you think so?".

" The mood swings are not consistent. I shift into different moods so fast in a day, one minute I'm okay the next I am angry and furious than when I calm down I realize that I overreacted over something so small. I am like this ticking emotional time bomb. I even avoid interactions because I don't know what anyone would say or do that will make me tick. I go from angry to okay to sad in the same freaking day... It can't be Bipolar".

"I get you and it's good that you're aware of yourself and the shifts in your mood and the triggers, that's a good thing. What is your plan?"

"A new diagnosis, I'm just tired of this..I'm exhausted."

"Brian, do you live alone or with someone?"

"I live alone".

"I'm not in Nairobi, but I can get you, someone, to talk to and if you can, please call someone to spend the night at your place, is that okay"

"No, I will be okay by myself,".

"Please, you need to be around people or someone just for today".

After a push and pull, I finally decided to go to a place actually she got some help for me and somehow I found myself at my boss's place for a week. Since my family were far from me, some arrangements were done and I ended up at my boss's place. It was good feeling the interaction between myself and the family. They were kind and always made sure I was okay and felt at home. Being this workaholic kinda guy, I got back on my computer and started designing again. When I got back to being okay, I got back to my place and settled in but I got back to feeling this void within myself. 

*THE VOID*

The feeling of emptiness was something that I was so familiar with, I had made peace with it to a point where I'd openly say to my friends, "....I'm okay, just trying to fill this emptiness in me..." or someone asks me how I'm feeling and I'll just casually answer them, "Well, I feel like a shell, empty. I can even hear my own voice echo. Lol" and this was not a good sign.

I would change how I dress and how I look. That's how I ended up impulsively buying new clothes whenever I got my hands on some cash...or change my haircut. At times I'd have short hair, long beards, long hair...short beards or no hair no beards. And I was in this constant cycle of trying to figure out my identity. Apart from impulsive buying, I would take random trips and rides to unfamiliar places. One of those places was Narok and Naivasha. These trips did dig into my pockets but they were satisfying and got me away from everything else and the feeling of being in a new place with new people made me feel invisible, I was practically a ghost and I would be anyone I wanted. In one of the trips, I remember I got to Narok town and when I alighted from the matatu, I looked around and I felt like I belonged and actually started doing house hunting. I would walk into any property with a "House To Let" sign and just walk in and be like, " I see you have some vacancy in your residence can I have a look?", I was like in this role play and I would be this main character in this movie little did I know that I was just feeding this void and creating this individual that never really existed to detach from this other guy who is me.

*TO BE CONTINUED*

Ref: Matatu (Ma-ta-too) - Kenyan slang meaning public service vehicles such as buses used to transport passengers.