COPING AFTER THE HOLIDAYS!

 

 

 

COPING AFTER THE HOLIDAYS!

I hope you all survived the holidays! Here is to why my opening remarks are in such a statement: Family is one of the sources of poor mental health, especially in-laws.

As I write this am wondering, what was your experience? Am happy  for those who had a smooth sailing. For those whose experience was indifferent, I hope my words will lift up your spirit.

In most of our Kenyan cultures, during the December holidays, folks travel upcountry to meet and greet after a long year of hard labor. Though the revised school calendar has affected the tradition, most families still made time to make the long trips which involves a lot of long hours on the road. Some are privileged to fly, others even cross oceans to at least create time to bond and reconnect with blood ties.

There is a love-hate relationship as far as in-laws are concerned. For cross cultural marriages things are even tougher. Allow me to stay with this for a bit. When someone's daughter is taken to the man's home, the suspicion is obvious. Most kin might mean well, just looking after the interest of their beloved son. Its even worse when the beloved son is the bread winner! Even banks have vaults right?

Today I'm concentrating on a daughter in-law because it is rare for Man to spend more than a day at his wife's home, in some cultures it is termed as an abomination. On this one, the man is safer though for one who loves his wife, it can cause emotional turmoil. It is like been left to pick sides between your mother/sister over your wife.

There is a very bad rivalry as far as the sisters of the groom and the mother are concerned. What can make it even worse is if the sisters have some stake on the brothers income and his wife is seen as a threat to their entitlement. I have had of ladies who cannot even name their children or have a meal plan in the in-laws compound. Here the daughter-law is to be seen not heard. The inequality is insurmountable.

I would like to state that marriage should never make you lose your individuality. In fact where a couple has open communication there is less conflict. However it is logical not to mention to your spouse" petty" things that are said about you or some actions that you feel you can fathom. While doing this be cautious, piling a few rocks daily can eventually create a mountain. Awareness is critical here.

Know what you can handle or compromise on, it is also important to be aware of your here and now. In short, how is your mental health while facing a certain crises concerning your in-laws? Who are your support system? Do you have a personal therapist on speed dial? Are you friends able to keep you a float when you are in a storm?

Some of the sources of conflict could be because you did not say good morning! That can win you the tittle of the snob of the year in an award you did not know you had registered for. Or even how you made your tea! that it never boiled enough. Disagreement can crop out of anywhere, some will get you off guard and unprepared. Your resilient is tested through and through.

Am sure you are asking, how then can one cope during the holidays?

Always ask yourself if you are fit enough to stand the family drama, always! And if the answer is no, well you know what to do. 

Am an advocate of creation of "new cultures around the nuclear family". This is for the sake of sanity. As a man, you can visit you folks any time but weigh the options, your wife also comes from a family, be the protector! If you fail on this, you have failed her. Be the sober listener, listen to what is said and what is unsaid. At the altar, the two become one! that is your rib under attack.

I can only imagine the emotional pain women go through all to make "him" happy. There is enough trauma in the families to cause PTSD. 

No matter where you are from, do not generalize people, avoid labeling. Labeling could be anything like telling your wife she has weird behavior because she is not getting along with your mother or sister! How is she weird and you are the one who took her there? Isn't it your failure?

For the ladies visiting this homes, know what cap you are wearing. You cannot win people over through over gifting, this creates dependency and a sense of entitlement. Manage your expectations and be aware of your coping mechanism.

Be your own champion, validate yourself. Seek support!

2021 is gone, that's in the past. Moving forward, be more intentional, preserve your individuality! Be you!

Breathe. Believe. Become.

#Rayonthepen